Old Maid

Boy, oh boy. Oh. boy. BOY!


Relationships are an odd animal. They are inanimate.. A union in which feelings get pummeled, kicked, twisted, hurt, and weakened. Oh yes, and of course on the flip side of that is love. Say it with me now,  LOVE.   L-O-V-E .  ahhhhh... like the wondeful picture in your head that you created when you were a mini version of your now self that recalled a euphoric utopia of bliss. Screeeeeechhh Yeah, not feeling that right now.

We really do know what we want, but we often settle for good enough because we are in fear that better might not come along and we would have wasted our entire life looking for Mr. Right and come up empty handed, unattached, and unbetrothed. AKA.. Old Maid. And ya know, you really don't think about being an old maid until you start approaching old maid age. 35? 40? Who knows, but when you start to realize that the pickins' are slim, that's when you've reached that point.

So here I am.

I'm dating. Dating a nice guy.  He makes me laugh. He's handsome. He's energetic. He's always in a good mood.  He's met my kids and we've broken turkey legs together and will be busting our belts tomorrow at Christmas dinner.

Problem?  I don't know.

But, what doesn't feel right you can't ignore. So I have sat here thinking about what it is that I want and what it is he doesn't have. And you know what I realize? I need certain things out of my relationship, we ALL do and we need to assert those requirements.  I'm responsible  for setting the tone; for teaching him (or whomever) how to treat me. I am in control of my yeses and my nos. I will not be molded or cajoled, petted, or convinced.  I will say what I want and say what I don't want. Us women, we need to stop changing for men.  There is a distinct difference between changing and altering when it comes to relationships. DO NOT change who you are. You CAN change what you do. Do not compromise your worth for his happiness. That goes for the gentlemen too.

So, I have a lot of thinking to do on this lovely, solo Christmas Eve night. I'm thinking of a lot of words I want to say.  I'm not going to let the fear of ending up an dried up, washed up, post menopausal  woman  Old Maid control my decisions.

I am a Queen. See me wave my scepter.

Truth Be Told:  We only have one life but we have unlimited chances throughout this life to connect with our other half. Do not let fear dictate who you choose to be with.   You, Queen, YOU, dictate who, when and for how long.

Pain, Pain Go Away..

What do you do when you seek clarity or a path to "the answer?".

I write. I journal. I do anything but open my mouth. Well, most of the time. But that is only because I am home alone and there is no one here to be the brunt of my tirades. Just kidding.

Woke up this morning with a light heart. A couple hours late my heart is heavy. It's funny how one teeny tiny thing can change the direction of a ship without you even steering the sails or standing at the helm. Most of life benefits a controlled response, a controlled atmosphere. A well thought out plan. Love though?  No matter how much you plan to not fail, plan to not  get hurt, or even plan not to fall in love, cupid's arrow is precise and direct. He'll get ya. .Oh yeah, he will. And when your heart is open, it's open to all the pain that God thinks you can endure and handle.

It's that that I fear. The moment when you realize that cupid done got you. When you got got  by cupid your heart is up for torture. We try and say clear of the pains and hurts but really, all the planning you do to protect your heart does no good. Hurt is gonna come.

Some people ignore it, some people thrive of  it, some people take it and turn it around. But what about that moment when it occurs? When you have no control over the tightening it does around your heart, when it squeezes it so hard you can feel it in your chest? I hate that. I want to run away from it but not  before I  beat it with a damn stick.  Kick it when it's around the ground. Yeah, that's it. Just to make sure it doesn't start up again. Kinda like A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. Overkill. Just to make sure.

Ok, so this post started out looking with me looking for clarity. I read back the entry and it's so unclear and segmented... and scattered. I guess that's something I can't control either. But alas, I continue the fight through  it, citing bad plays on words and quasi quoting Shakespearean prose such as :  "Out, damn pain, out!" is pretty damn clever. Not working too well though.

Truth Be Told: Pain is the bitch I love to hate. Don't ever come back another day. Not now. Not ever.