Old Maid

Boy, oh boy. Oh. boy. BOY!


Relationships are an odd animal. They are inanimate.. A union in which feelings get pummeled, kicked, twisted, hurt, and weakened. Oh yes, and of course on the flip side of that is love. Say it with me now,  LOVE.   L-O-V-E .  ahhhhh... like the wondeful picture in your head that you created when you were a mini version of your now self that recalled a euphoric utopia of bliss. Screeeeeechhh Yeah, not feeling that right now.

We really do know what we want, but we often settle for good enough because we are in fear that better might not come along and we would have wasted our entire life looking for Mr. Right and come up empty handed, unattached, and unbetrothed. AKA.. Old Maid. And ya know, you really don't think about being an old maid until you start approaching old maid age. 35? 40? Who knows, but when you start to realize that the pickins' are slim, that's when you've reached that point.

So here I am.

I'm dating. Dating a nice guy.  He makes me laugh. He's handsome. He's energetic. He's always in a good mood.  He's met my kids and we've broken turkey legs together and will be busting our belts tomorrow at Christmas dinner.

Problem?  I don't know.

But, what doesn't feel right you can't ignore. So I have sat here thinking about what it is that I want and what it is he doesn't have. And you know what I realize? I need certain things out of my relationship, we ALL do and we need to assert those requirements.  I'm responsible  for setting the tone; for teaching him (or whomever) how to treat me. I am in control of my yeses and my nos. I will not be molded or cajoled, petted, or convinced.  I will say what I want and say what I don't want. Us women, we need to stop changing for men.  There is a distinct difference between changing and altering when it comes to relationships. DO NOT change who you are. You CAN change what you do. Do not compromise your worth for his happiness. That goes for the gentlemen too.

So, I have a lot of thinking to do on this lovely, solo Christmas Eve night. I'm thinking of a lot of words I want to say.  I'm not going to let the fear of ending up an dried up, washed up, post menopausal  woman  Old Maid control my decisions.

I am a Queen. See me wave my scepter.

Truth Be Told:  We only have one life but we have unlimited chances throughout this life to connect with our other half. Do not let fear dictate who you choose to be with.   You, Queen, YOU, dictate who, when and for how long.

Pain, Pain Go Away..

What do you do when you seek clarity or a path to "the answer?".

I write. I journal. I do anything but open my mouth. Well, most of the time. But that is only because I am home alone and there is no one here to be the brunt of my tirades. Just kidding.

Woke up this morning with a light heart. A couple hours late my heart is heavy. It's funny how one teeny tiny thing can change the direction of a ship without you even steering the sails or standing at the helm. Most of life benefits a controlled response, a controlled atmosphere. A well thought out plan. Love though?  No matter how much you plan to not fail, plan to not  get hurt, or even plan not to fall in love, cupid's arrow is precise and direct. He'll get ya. .Oh yeah, he will. And when your heart is open, it's open to all the pain that God thinks you can endure and handle.

It's that that I fear. The moment when you realize that cupid done got you. When you got got  by cupid your heart is up for torture. We try and say clear of the pains and hurts but really, all the planning you do to protect your heart does no good. Hurt is gonna come.

Some people ignore it, some people thrive of  it, some people take it and turn it around. But what about that moment when it occurs? When you have no control over the tightening it does around your heart, when it squeezes it so hard you can feel it in your chest? I hate that. I want to run away from it but not  before I  beat it with a damn stick.  Kick it when it's around the ground. Yeah, that's it. Just to make sure it doesn't start up again. Kinda like A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. Overkill. Just to make sure.

Ok, so this post started out looking with me looking for clarity. I read back the entry and it's so unclear and segmented... and scattered. I guess that's something I can't control either. But alas, I continue the fight through  it, citing bad plays on words and quasi quoting Shakespearean prose such as :  "Out, damn pain, out!" is pretty damn clever. Not working too well though.

Truth Be Told: Pain is the bitch I love to hate. Don't ever come back another day. Not now. Not ever.

IT.

Sometimes people move you in such a way that feels so organic... so pure. You look into their eyes and know you are staring into their soul.  You feel ignition, you feel connection. You know the unspoken word is spoken more loudly than anything that could ever leave your lips. You feel the magnetism... the vibration... the electricity. It is the catalyst to the thing that lovers yearn for. Once it's found, or once it finds us, we know we have no control over the way it unfolds. We can only rely on the promise that it holds, the excitement it yields, and the utopia that it is.  It is the best place on earth. It's the one place you can dwell and know that everything is nothing if you don't have IT.

Truth Be Told: IT is what we need. IT is why we are here. IT is he start of all things, the end of all things and the reason for all things.

Little Things Made Big

That nagging thing in the back of you mind that you keep mentally pushing back... Yeah that. Let's talk about THAT.

We all have these little things in our head that gnaw away at our minds burrowing a hole that doubt fills up and then it overflows with worry and  despair. Worry, at least to me, has always been the most useless of emotions cause you can't do a thing with worry if you let it fester. And when it festers, it multiples. When it multiples, it takes over and invades every crevice of your mind until the mind is vanquished. 

Ask yourself.. Has the worst happened?  Has ANYTHING happened to encourage you to think that disaster is going to strike? Are they made up thoughts in your head because a situation had ripe circumstances to occur?

Eliminate your worry with your proactive happiness. It will return to you if you give it away. AND it's not debilitating like the slew of negative emotions that can get stuck on auto loop in our heads when we aren't thinking conscientiously.  

Truth be Told:  Keep perspective. Don' create a monster out of a mouse. Worry is debilitating.... and pointless. Push THAT back. Don't make that little thing big.

In Search Of....

Remember that TV show? Investigative, provocative, a little eerie?  Yep. That would be my parallel of self.
It was a great show, yes it was.  It piqued our curiosity about the unknown and we often sat glued to the fat, console TV to hear that mysterious voice tell us about UFOs,  witch doctors, Easter Island or some natural phenomena.

In this life, I am in search of all things that provoke me, inspire me and make me want to drink.  (as in "drink it in, not drink it up!) What elements drive your passions? What provokes you into action?  When does your thinking become your doing? And when do you stop truncating your dreams and start creating  them?

We are all in search of that widget that drives us; for it makes everything a little  bit sweeter. It adds zest, creates a little spunk. You have to harness it when you recognize it and then apply it.  Recognize. Harness. Apply..... again. Recognize. Harness. Apply.   Rosie  thinks so... see?

Truth be Told:Whatever it may be for you, work it and make it work for you. Inspiration  can be derived from a heck of a lot of sources. Put it in front of your face and start calling  the plays in your game. Get off the sidelines and start moving toward the goal. 

Embracing your Imperfections

So I am reading this book.........................

This is one way that prompts me to write. I read something new that sparks an idea or thought and I am compelled to journey through journaling in an attempt to grasp the ideas that are set  forth upon the stark white pages of a book (okay well not really a book in the sense of the word book.. I'm reading an e-book but STILL, it qualifies) that I feel all too compelled to read and not put down until it's complete because I don't want to lose the "lesson". I want it fresh in my mind so I can apply it to my daily living....

The book? Don't laugh.... "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. GREAT speaker, great evocation, great researcher, great book. I'm about 2/3 in and I am digging it.

She says that we need to stop the incessant competition within ourselves and outwardly as well and embrace who we are organically. Admittance to self, acceptance of self, and loving of thy self.   When you realize that who you are is who you are and that is that and you should be fine.

She stresses the difference between communication and connection. With the influx of social media and electronic devices we think we are more connected when in fact all we are is just more communicative.  Connecting is far more deeply rooted than someone just pushing buttons on a computer or texting an  "I love you.".  Connection is what we NEED, communication is what we do. Big difference.

As humans, connection is vital. It's saying  "I need you".  We need others to empathize, to understand, to be in our corner. When this is established an organic relationship grows and deepens. When we let go of the fear of exposure and "let it all out" without fear of judgment (and none bestowed upon us), we gain strength and we begin to practice and live the notion that imperfect is okay. We need not fear loss because we think we are inadequate in someone else's eyes just because we think on the inside that we are less than what we should be.  Most people love us more than we love ourselves. That is not how it should be, we should stop being our worst critic and start being our biggest proponent.


Truth be Told:  Acceptance of all your perceived imperfections and short comings is not saying you're a failure;  it's loving yourself as you are, with what you have, right now.  And being happy about it!

 The Truth is Not a Liar.

The whole world has either served me a colossal lie or a brutal truth. Maybe. Read on.

Sometimes I prefer one over the other, truth be told, lies are often palatable and easier to digest. Especially the ones we tell ourselves. Although we know that truth is reaching it's neck around the corner and we have it in our view, we tell ourselves that that picture is not clear and the lies are easier to believe. Here is my  a couple of my perspectives of the  brutal truth.


Love is far from perfect.  The most trite of concepts that no one really grasps and accepts.


 Love happens in rapid ascent and then down spirals in fervorous descent over and over again- the proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Is it fair to assume this will always happen no matter who we are with and do we just gravitate towards they one that we enjoy it most with?  When love ignites, we let the emotions be our compass and those emotions are GREAT, the tickle your loins, engage your mind, and produce cocoons and cocoons of butterflies. Then, something happens, something throws the two of you off track and the mysticism of love comes to a screeching halt and reality comes hither. The first tumbling into descent, into reality happens. How do you handle it? How  do you keep the love that was once alive, ignited through tumultuous times, stressful times, times of discontent and heartache? YOU CAN NEVER FORGET. The minute love is forced into minutia, it is forgotten; you must push it forward, make it the biggest thing of the two of you and let that evil sleeping dog of pain and anger take a lifetime injection of comatose. Don't ever let that pain and frustration be bigger than your love. The only thing that should ever be on par with your love is your hope and faith.

 Hope. Faith. Love. And always, ALWAYS together.


Another brutal truth?

We ARE where we have been.  Mentally, we have all been in a place at one point that we wish you would have never went. By passive aggressive force, or by cognizant decision, the world and its people are fallible. We ALL were in places at one point or another, no matter how brief, that has molded in a way that may haunt us forever. We have to be okay with that and okay with everyone in our lives who try to keep the ghosts of past away. No, I'm not crazy, I'm on a journey, just like you. The difference between some are there are the ones that steer the ship and stand on the  bow like Jack and Rose in The Titanic and scream and yell, and those are the ones that sit quietly on the stern and wait for the ride to end. The journey never really ends.. that's why Jack and Rose made the best of their catastrophe.

Truth be Told: We tell ourselves lies when we know the truths. 

Write Way or Wrong Way?

I can't be forced to write, for fear that I will lose my creative flow...... probably.  I need for my writing to always feel like it flows freely and open. I feel coerced when someone asks me to write. It's as if I'm compelled to second guess every keystroke, every letter, every use of grammar, every nuance. I suddenly feel like I will not be able to perform or not be able to put forth my normal witticisms and engage in my pursuits of self truths.

Of course  this must be a  psychological dictionary's blatant definition of deflection and  blame, fear, and doubt. What if what I write doesn't appeal to the target audience? Any who, who is my target audience besides myself?  It's my own way of journaling my thoughts so I can discover, find out, diagnose myself. Not quite sure I have figured myself out yet though.  Insert dry laugh here.

I have realized that I do not write for the masses, but for me so that the ones that I am surrounded  by can get to know me as well. It's much easier to break down a stream of consciousness when it's written than when it's blurted out in the middle of a discussion. There is a tangibility to the written word. You can read, and re-read, dissect and discuss; decipher, and sometimes even defend. You have to apply thought to the written word, and  even though there are countless words in countless languages, I found myself looking just for thee perfect ones to convey what I am trying to say that I can't do orally. Condensed. Most times........... Let me talk, and I would never stop. Promise.


Truth Be Told: Everyone has something unconventional that serves a therapeutic purpose. It's a way of coping and learning. The human psyche,  especially your own, is in constant need of interpretation and discovery. Writing just leaves a paper trail for the ones that love you to do the same thing. 

Think Before You Think.

Organizing my brain.

This CAN happen ya know. With practice.

With practice AND patience. Yep.

In order for one to organize their life, their home, their desk, their whatever, they have to start thinking in an orderly and methodically fashion. Erratic and irrational thinking is counter productive. Brain and thought organization and  physical simplicity are dependent on each other,  it's extremely symbiotic, one cannot exist without the other. You can't have an orderly home if your mind is full of disorder. That's why people with various forms OCD  are often extremely intelligent and efficient.. or so I would like to think. :)  They keep their mind free of dirt and clutter too!

If I am sitting in a room full of clutter, I cannot think clearly. If the television is blaring,  my mind goes into a non- functioning state and I cannot work, I cannot write, I cannot corral my thoughts on what I need to accomplish.  I cannot tune it out. I must turn it off. Both externally AND internally.

If I am thinking too much, pondering life's unsolved , elusive mysteries, or simply cannot clear my conscious, I am not productive either. I have to train my brain to rid it of excess just like I rid my kid's rooms of toys and old clothes when they are not looking. It ALWAYS feels better when you have less, doesn't it? Have you ever regretted paring down anything?  Not me.  I can't focus on any type or organization, order or work if my mind is 10 feet deep in thought... or... toys.  (shoes are exempt from this theory!)

 Truth Be Told: You must tackle all forms of clutter with a proactive approach.. Think before you.. think.  Eliminate the excess out or your life, your closets, and your mind. Watch how everything else falls into place like neat, little, soldiers, arranged in order of shortest to tallest, oldest to newest and spaced an exact, 2 inches apart.... oops there goes that OCD again.

Virtues: Humility

This is the first entry in a series of posts about various virtues.  The ones I embody, the ones I hope to embody and the ones that remain elusive!

Of all the the virtues to acquire, humility is the most difficult to master. Yes, we have it.. we just have to master it. I mean, how can we not defend against wrong doings or incorrect assumptions vehemently, how can we not speak up when we WANT to be heard and we don't want to be quiet? How can we not dispute a lie or mistruth?  How can we not be insistent when we  KNOW if we just push it we can get what we want with our little nudges here and there? How do we trust that everything will happen in our favor by just believing and shutting our faccia? 

Some say humility comes with prayer and patience.

Some say they are born with it. I wasn't.

I have to work at it. A LOT.

I'm conscious and aware that my  humility needs work.  When I "lose it"  I try and justify my words or actions. My explanations are rock solid and sensible. However, it seems my being head strong is immutable. Or so I say.. I mean I'm head strong so why would I think I'm capable of  being humble???  Darn, this is a vicious cycle!

You see my point? Of course you do. I'm stuck in a black hole of denial like you. Just agree. Thanks.

We ALL can be humble, we ALL can zip our lips. We don't yell at our bosses, we don't curse our preachers, we don't beat up the police officer that gave us a ticket. If we have control there, we can have control  (and humility) everywhere. We just don't think we have the capability of being a saint like that. We underestimate ourselves often. We can do it if we try. Yes, I know, it's trite....but it's right.

Truth  Be Told: Eat your slice of humble pie before you eat crow. 

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

That famous movie line in itself, is kind of.... incorrect. What it SHOULD say is " What we have here is a failure to communicate EFFECTIVELY." After all, we are in a consistent mode of communicating with everyone and everything but HOW we do it is what leads to communication success or communication break down.

..and everyone knows what happen when the communication between persons breaks down... shit hits the fan.. feelings get hurt... people get frustrated.. no one feels like their words are heard or their point is proven... Nothing solved and the only thing gained is a migraine headache that rivals the one your  (insert common noun here) seems to give you.

Someone has to be the communication commando. It just takes one person to reel it back in and try to steer the train wreck back on track. Everything successful has a hierarchy. Leaders and followers..From the animal world to the corporate world to even the prison populations where Big John runs the yard and  Sweet Baby D protects the incoming perps.. It all works when every one knows their place. Now don't go screaming this is a post about relegating to the Dark Age, but order and hierarchy make sense to me in a whole slew of realms. Think about it. The functioning world is based on it. ( going off on a mega tangent!)

 Having stated that, let me get back to my main thought!

The participants have to be willing for that to operate effectively.  Willingness is an integral part of communication success.  If unwillingness is what prevails, the communication ceases, nothing is gained and that exact thing you were disagreeing about or discussing will be the exact thing you "talk" about next Tuesday, weekend, or whenever.

Set forth the notion that your are communicating to solve something and put that on the table and don't forget them. Write a list, compose a thought cloud, impose a time limit, whatever. It's what works.





Truth Be Told: Communication is much harder when you are in the midst of an upset. A clear mind comes sometimes when it's too late or regret has set in. 


Soooooo.


Effective.
Purposeful.
Concise.


I'll let you know when I master it. But hey, I'm, WILLING.

Does Size Matter?

Little. Big. Wide. Far. Too late. Not enough.

People define their own significance often and too much by how other's treat them, or what  another offers them in way of tangible things or emotional fortitude. In a small way, I suppose I get that because I tend to  be a people pleaser to the people I love and care about and I have a giving nature. But you don't have to "do it big" to get your point across. Love is finite. Either you love someone... or you don't. Should it ever be a question of how much?  If they love you, then even the little love someone may have for should mean a lot. The importance lies in the fact that they love you. And that is enough. Period.

We are a universe of measurements. We measure emotion, earthquakes, penile length and breasts(sorry, but I'm a middle aged woman and you know we have sex on the brain 24/7) endurance, plots of land, amount of hamburgers sold in the world, and of course the breadth of someone's love. There is measurements of eve-reeeee-thing. We have become a quantitative society. Especially since the advent of technology when everything can be counted, tallied, and computed swiftly. I will always yearn for the ideal of a qualitative society.. and I suppose there are a lot of humans that feel the same as I do but for one reason or another, being lack of time (a measurement), lack of money (another measurement), lack of hope, they feel like their contribution to the universe or another's life would be inconsequential. These are the ones that think that something little doesn't mean a lot; that a drop in the bucket doesn't help an iota. That a hug means nothing, a smile nil. These things are immeasurable but they are doable and the completion is the only thing that matters.  Individually or collectively, anyone can make a difference.

Truth Be Told: The best things in life can't be measured or calculated..... because they are free of course.  People go through life trying to accomplish "big things" when it is the "little things" that are the true successes.  I tend to get wildly enthusiastic about the little things, but only because they give me the biggest smiles. It's the little things that are always the true blessings anyway.  Right?

I like me.

Some people try too hard.

Why do we make that statement and what are we meaning when we say it? As it pertains to me,  I think (sometimes.... okay often... say it) when I see someone acting out of character; brown nose style.  So many are in search of the acceptance of others as a proving ground for their own self worth.   They some how think, without much thought, that  if they can get someone to like them that they are likable to themselves. Why not KNOW you are likable by BEING your own likable self? Draw attention to yourself through another manner other than conforming to whatever mold is in front of you. You're a human being, not silly putty. Change your  "shape" for no one. The people that love you  really WILL love, like and RECOGNIZE the good and wonderful things about you.  Act earnestly.

Look..

 Not everyone is going to like you no matter what they see or what you do. They may dislike you because your laugh is irritating or you repeat the same story to 5 people in their presence.  I watch people mold themselves to be an idyllic version of what they think someone wants them to be.  They  my guess, unknowingly think that  they, on their own, are not great enough.  There is a fine line between self betterment, partner pleasing or trying something new and  sacrificing your standards, ethics, and ways of behavior to have someone like  you or envy you.  As relatively aware adults, we know the difference. Right?   Right.

Having said that, if you go demoting yourself, becoming darker, doing asinine things for attention or playing dumb, then you won't be liked by me. But it shouldn't matter but would you like you if you saw what we see?


Truth Be Told:  Don't be the sacrificial lamb for someone else's acceptance unless it is the person staring back at you in the mirror. After all, you are the only one that is stuck with you for the rest of your life so you might as well enjoy yourself.

Love and Hate.

So many people write about the thin lines between love and hate. They write from their own perspective because that is all they know. But what if we had the ability to embody someone's else heart for just a moment to see what it held? Not knowing someone thoughts in this world always seems to make us leery and doubtful as if the promises they have made are really not concrete or real because they don't exist in our own minds. Sometimes we believe  things that aren't true and sometimes we don't believe the things that are. I do wonder what I could find out if I could crawl in to someone's beating soul and delve inside your functioning lobes to see what one things or feels for us. Kinda of neat but kind of scary at the same time. For everything we hope to find, we will also find things that hurt us. No one is exempt from an insult or mean word.. or thought. No one will always find us perfect ALL the time. They will hate us, they will loathe us, heck they may even wish they don't want to be around us. But, the good thing in all of that is those moments are temporary but the love is unwavering and the commitment does not flee. Believing should walk hand in hand with love and doubt should be but a blip in our minds that goes away every time the words " I love you" "I'm here no matter what" are spoken to us. For every day someone stays, every day that someone still loves, is every day that your future is built.

Truth be Told:The more you sustain your house and built it with the materials that God equipped you with, the longer it lasts. Do not let the doubts of the devil creep into your mind and seize your thoughts and poison them with venom. We always wish we could be that "fly on the wall" but  trust in the love, your God and your heart . Be still.... and just know.

Life Lessons

So many lessons are learned after you have  come full circle. But why wait until the dire end to learn your lessons? How about we learn our lessons during our struggles prior to our struggles or to even prevent the struggles. What are you doing today to better yourself, your relationships or your family unit? 

Proactivity is the one of THEE best virtues to embody.  If you think before hand, plan before hand, you avert before hand. Crisis thwarted. And that is the idea isn't? No one likes fall out no one likes having to explain what went wrong. And sometimes no one likes to apologize. 

Work as if everyone is your partner. Work as if your goal will be attained. Work as if failure is not the option. Work as if naysayers do not exist. Believe in the power of positive thinking.  Train your brain. Train your body.  Believe that you can, believe that you will. Success comes at a price,  but don't let it be love or family. Know who loves you but care less who loathes you. 

No one person accomplished all their goals without the help of someone or something. Animate or inanimate. Breathing or not. We pick things to control our passions, fuel our fires, and support our beliefs and dreams. 

The next time you are at the end of a lesson wondering why it had to end with a failure and a destitute spirit,  remember you could have averted it with a little mind control, planning, and support. Sometimes people will say you are fooling yourself but don't let that fool you.  You really know what it takes to motivate you. Speak it out and listen to yourself. Plan to win.

Happystance.

Wow. It has been quite awhile since I wrote.  I have approached the blank blog page several times but  fear took over because the notion of what I might right will be uninteresting and beige. I realize however, that every time I wrote, I never really led myself to one particular subject or another. As I write, the thoughts and ideas ignite and it ends up turning into "something".

Today, I write about happiness. How do you approach the pursuit of happiness? Are you pursuing it? You should be. What do you think you should do? Wait for it to knock on your doorstep in the still of the night like a masked intruder with force and dominance? That is not how it works my darlings. You must run and run fast towards happiness. You must bait a trap, set a trap, and capture it as if your life depended on it for your life source. After all, without it what IS life? Do you ever wonder why you are put here?  You are put here to exist, but existing isn't just the breath of life, it is the action, the reaction, the pursuits, the loves, the losses and everything that occurs in between.

People always say, don't chase it, let it find you. I call bullshit.  I would be damned if I wait for happiness to come to me!  Why delay the  chance to smile, to find love, to feel joyous?

Truth Be Told:  Don't wait until it's too late to start pursuing your "silly" dream or your "pipe" dream. And stop calling it that.  Call it YOUR dream and start NOW. Why wait? Writing makes me happy and I have delayed it way too long,  welcome back self!

My Own Kind of Seinfeld

It's been a long time since I have sat down in front of a blank page. I'm not sure if I had run out of creative thought or my life just hasn't been that exciting to share with anonymous people.  A lot of changes have occurred over the past couple of months and it kind of warped my sense of connection to writing.  My emotions have deadlined.  My muse, my inspiration is gone. What does one do, when the thoughts stop marching in, the well runs dry?  I guess you look for more inspiration.. somewhere.

I don't like being this way.   All open and seemingly vulnerable and stuff. I guess when you write though, that is exactly what one is. Open to opinion, criticism, skepticism, doubt, and hopefully praise. I'm kinda glad that  I have ghost readers; ones that read and move on.  They read me doling out my own therapy, musing about with my off kilter thoughts and ideas. They "hear" my philosophizing with a disconnected slant at times..  It makes sense to me though, and I guess that is all that really is needed.

Writing is an escape into your mind's mind. It allows you to delve into your deeper conscience for answers as you type out the letters that make words and the words that make sentences and the sentences that create your story.

Truth Be Told:  Sometimes life can be like a Seinfeld episode. Everything about nothing but still fun to watch.  (or in the case, write)